Well, I feel like I am definitely going to be able to stop worrying about him now. He fucking took me to task today for stuff that I’m not even responsible for at work. And he was a real asshole. If he’s trying to fucking give me reasons that I have no reason to like him, he did a pretty good job today. It’s to the point that I’m going to have to speak to him tomorrow about what my responsibilities are at this place. And if he doesn’t want to cooperate, I’m going to inform him that we need to have a meeting with his boss as well. I don’t think that’s too much. He was telling me that I was essentially responsible for supervising that horrible stupid girl who doesn’t respect me even as a co-worker. I don’t know if I want to talk to him today or not.
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It’s been a little while since I started writing this post. I’ve been able to sit around and think about stuff and talked about it a little with one of my roommates. He is still definitely in the wrong for how he behaved earlier, but I’m much calmer. I was pretty hot on the ride home from work.
But I feel now like I really need to talk to him about what our relationship actually is. Are we friends? Do we just fuck sometimes? Do we want more than what we have now at some point in the future? I’m tired of wondering. Wondering makes me crazy. I can’t keep it up. I have to move forward somehow and that definitely requires a conversation. And if he thinks I’m kind of nuts because I feel like I need to know, then that’s on him. I’m not nuts. I have feelings and he knows that. I also have more self-respect than before. I’d like the conversation to be more, well, conversational than me confronting him. And I would rather it start during a conversation where he contacts me first because I don’t want it to be me wanting to have a “talk.” Shit. Do I even care about this really anymore?
I care about him, I do. And I still like him. But he needs to be willing to show me his mush if he wants me to show him my sweetness. If he even wants that anymore, because I’m not sure about that at all, which this post (and every fucking post) reflects. I’m going to have to figure this out if I want to move on. And I certainly don’t want to be his puppet. K definitely thinks that’s what’s happening. She calls him a mind-fucker. He is really smart and clever and is certainly capable of using me, because I allow it. That’s part of what I want the conversation to resolve. If we’re going to be more, we have to actually be more.
Or perhaps I should just move on altogether. I do need his help with my business stuff and I like how he is helping me recognize the bad shit about myself. Today, I noticed another coworker doing the same things that I used to do before he alerted me of them and they were fucking annoying. Arg. Moving on is a really scary prospect for me. I didn’t break up with my ex-boyfriend to be with this guy, however, I did hope that at some point, that would be happening. I just knew I couldn’t be with my ex any longer and that is still true. But if I stop trying with this guy, I’m going to be pretty alone. I guess I’ll really have to focus on trying to make a new life. Fuck, that is a scary prospect.
I hate how huge I’ve made him in my life. That is what is scary. He’s huge in my life. Why did I do that to myself. I’m super regretting it now.
Well, I hope to talk to him tonight about this stuff. I need to. I’ll let you know.
What the fuck am I doing? 